It almost happened again.
I don’t get it. I almost lost it again at work. I’m standing there working, bullshitting with everyone and me and one of my coworkers get into a more serious conversation. It deals with relationships and how I have serious issues it seems. That I’m a a “stage five clinger” as it seems and that I allow myself to be used by people because I do it out of a means to get attention. I’m too nice it seems, and in doing so it just perpetuates a cycle. Of what I don’t know because we didn’t really get to a conclusive answer from her perspective, but I’ve been thinking about it all day and I guess I do concede that point to her. She’s right in the sense that I do allow myself to be used by others. Like I said I see it as a means to gain affection from others. Hoping against hope that someone will need me, because honestly I need someone.
I’m losing it. I almost broke down in tears at the job right in the middle of the floor. Funny part is I was able to keep it in check and put it in that bottle of hurt real fast. And yet there I am in the middle of work. Putting on that fake smile, making all my immature dick jokes and such because deep down I don’t know what the FUCK to do or say. How do you even associate with people who honestly don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t need you, hell as far as you know they probably don’t even like you. They just tolerate you because they have to see you on a regular basis.
I get that feeling alot. It’s not with everyone because there are two people I get along with well and do actually consider them friends. But the others? That’s what I feel. It’s just a matter of tolerance. No one ever admires the court jester.
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