As I Sit Here
For the past few days I can’t figure it out. It seems like the pieces are falling together and yet the picture just isn’t there. I;’m doing all the things that a big person is supposed to do, and yet I don’t feel complete or even happy really. I’ve gotten my own place, a bank account, and for all intents and purposes I am own my own again. And this time I’m actually doing things right. Not using anyone as a support crutch, not blaming anyone for my own short comings or mistakes. Acting like an adult.
And yet with all of this, I’m still not happy. I don’t understand it. I know what the problem is. I’m alone. But I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard this time. It’s been 9 months since I’ve broken up with my ex so I guess it’s been almost a year since I’ve the type of connection that I always crave. And I do crave it. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I always feel like I NEED to be in a relationship with someone. That unless I’m trying to please someone else I don’t feel complete. I don’t feel like I matter. I guess it stems from all the deep seeded issues I have with my own self esteem problems. Years of always feeling like a fuck up and having people look at you like one tends to kind of embed that mindset, even when you aren’t a complete one.
