Something old, something new.

I met someone. What started as a casual internet thing took a turn to the physical. After a week of talking online and such we discovered we were rather close to one another location wise. We ended up spending the night together and everything was good. I just don’t know where it’s going or what she wants from me. I’m 26 and she’s 41. The age difference doesn’t scare me. I’ve always been told I have an old soul and I prefer talking to a woman as opposed to a girl.

But then I question myself. What the hell can I offer this woman? I know I’m emotionally broken. Is it fair to put that on her? Is it even fair to put it on anyone? I feel like a scumbag because if she were to ask me what I want, I honestly wouldn’t know what to say to her. I know I just don’t want sex. I’m not that type of person. I’ve slept with three people my whole life and this is one of the few times where I’ve slept with someone I don’t love and I don’t know what to think. It seems like socially this is the norm. That it’s ok to use sex as a stepping stone for a relationship? I wasn’t raised that way.

I don’t know what to do. But then again I guess I should have thought about that before spending the night with her right?

It almost happened again.

I don’t get it. I almost lost it again at work. I’m standing there working, bullshitting with everyone and me and one of my coworkers get into a more serious conversation. It deals with relationships and how I have serious issues it seems. That I’m a a “stage five clinger” as it seems and that I allow myself to be used by people because I do it out of a means to get attention. I’m too nice it seems, and in doing so it just perpetuates a cycle. Of what I don’t know because we didn’t really get to a conclusive answer from her perspective, but I’ve been thinking about it all day and I guess I do concede that point to her. She’s right in the sense that I do allow myself to be used by others. Like I said I see it as a means to gain affection from others. Hoping against hope that someone will need me, because honestly I need someone.

I’m losing it. I almost broke down in tears at the job right in the middle of the floor. Funny part is I was able to keep it in check and put it in that bottle of hurt real fast. And yet there I am in the middle of work. Putting on that fake smile, making all my immature dick jokes and such because deep down I don’t know what the FUCK to do or say. How do you even associate with people who honestly don’t give a fuck about you. They don’t need you, hell as far as you know they probably don’t even like you. They just tolerate you because they have to see you on a regular basis.

I get that feeling alot. It’s not with everyone because there are two people I get along with well and do actually consider them friends. But the others? That’s what I feel. It’s just a matter of tolerance. No one ever admires the court jester.

And that’s the pain I’m talking about

How does a situation go from being friendly, having a good night together, and a general acknowledgment of thinking one another is a good person to not even being able to look at me? As if there’s some pity in your eyes because you don’t know what to do or say to me.

Jesus fucking Christ every time I see that look I feel myself loosing it, I feel that pain in my throat and chest. But I keep that smile up. I tell my jokes, and I do what I have to do to make everyone happy and laughing, but inside, I don’t feel like laughing…

Do I Care To Much?

There are these two women in my life that I am interested in. Both of them are unique in the sense that I actually want to get to know them. I want their approval so badly that I tend to over extend myself with them. Nothing not they ask is to much. Be it asking me a favor when I am tired, asking me for something, anything they desire, I make it my mission to try to deliver even when they haven’t asked for it.

I do it because I want to be needed by them. I want them to think of me as stable enough to not only be there for them, but to also be able to do or acquire anything they need, even if I myself have nothing. I don’t do it to try to use it against them as if they owe me something, I do it because I want to. Because I secretly pray that maybe they’ll see the good in me and actually give mean chance. I always have people telling me what a good person I am, yet for some reason I never seem to be worth anyones time.

As I Sit Here

For the past few days I can’t figure it out. It seems like the pieces are falling together and yet the picture just isn’t there. I;’m doing all the things that a big person is supposed to do, and yet I don’t feel complete or even happy really. I’ve gotten my own place, a bank account, and for all intents and purposes I am own my own again. And this time I’m actually doing things right. Not using anyone as a support crutch, not blaming anyone for my own short comings or mistakes. Acting like an adult.

And yet with all of this, I’m still not happy. I don’t understand it. I know what the problem is. I’m alone. But I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard this time. It’s been 9 months since I’ve broken up with my ex so I guess it’s been almost a year since I’ve the type of connection that I always crave. And I do crave it. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I always feel like I NEED to be in a relationship with someone. That unless I’m trying to please someone else I don’t feel complete. I don’t feel like I matter. I guess it stems from all the deep seeded issues I have with my own self esteem problems. Years of always feeling like a fuck up and having people look at you like one tends to kind of embed that mindset, even when you aren’t a complete one.

 

 

It’s been some time…

Well its been a year since ive taken the time to do this. Odd i know considering how much free time i have a nights when I’m not working. I guess i haven’t done it because I haven’t really had much to say. Correction, I guess I havent had much to share with others because it’s always felt like no one else really cares enough to lend an ear and actually listen.